Forgiveness.

Last week I think God was trying to tell me something. On Wednesday night my study was on forgiveness, on Thursday night we talked about....forgiveness and then on Sunday Greg talked about forgiveness. I started to think about who I needed to give forgiveness to and could not think of anyone major. Then at lunch a couple of us got on the subject of my ex from highschool and as we were talking I noticed I was sounding more and more bitter. I have been thinking a lot about that since then. What would happen if I ran into him today? Would I say hi or......( I don't even want to think about the or).
I still not sure what I would do. How do you forgive someone that says they love you and ask you to marry them and then call you an infatuation and say they were never in love with you? It still hurts but I have to forgive him. So today I am making a stand. I am going down the road of forgiveness for this person, I understand it will probably be a long and hard road but I am now willing to go there. I feel to be the person God wants me to be I have to deal with this. So I will.

Mixed Thoughts

Okay so I am sitting here writing this confusing blog and I delete the whole thing. I am not sure what I am trying to say except. I am letting a situation control me. I have given it up to God but I still have feelings attached to this problem. This problem is making me feel like a failure and selfish. It makes me feel to much for myself and draws my focus from God. I don't know where or what made this thoughts and feelings come to my head but they are there and are not going away. I know I have to deal with this "thing." but how? It is tearing my up inside because I hate feeling this way. I know I am not a failure but if I cannot deal with the first problem that come up, then what good am I in a leadership role? The selfish part speaks for itself. Why has God put this situation in my path at this point in my life? Some say it is because he feels I am strong enough to work through it and some say it is a test. I hate tests. I know I cannot deal with this without God. I cannot figure that one out. Why do I feel this way? I dread the thought that this problem is putting the focus to much on myself, I feel like the spotlight is no longer on God. Maybe I am making a mountain out of mole hill and maybe these feelings are justified. How do I know? I know I am to leave it up to God. I just wish these feelings would go away. I am sure I have not put everything I am feeling or thinking into words but it is the jift of it. I have had one of those ARGH weeks and feel a little better but know I have to confront this problem head on.