Reflections

I remember; at Duke's funeral; sitting where we could face the rest of the people. I remember it being the saddest day of my life but also the biggest day. As I sat there looking around at the hundreds of people that this 20 year old affected in some positive way and brought together again, some after many of years apart. A overwhelming sense of being proud came over me. It was that day: I believe that the cabinet blocking the door to God was pushed aside. I say this because at that time in my life I didn't want anything to do with Him. I have heard people say that the door to God is always open but that was not true in my case. I had that door shut tight and barricaded Even after Duke's passing the door was still shut. To tell you the truth, the only reason I went to church or bible study the first time was because they said they were going to be about Duke. Anyway back to my main point. When I was sitting there soaking up how many people Duke befriended I made a life changing decision. I wanted to be as giving and as loving as Duke had been. He was always there for any of us , no matter how he felt or what his day was like. Not that I totally understand the concept but I think he was the most Christ like person I knew at the time. I wanted to be like that. I can't explain why in the way I want but I almost felt like that was the way I was always suppose to be. Anyway, I try to be the kind of person that is there no matter when someone needs me. 24/7. Whether it be an ear to listen to them, a person to argue with, a shoulder to cry on or even a person to yell at. I try to always point out the good things about people, even when they can't see a single thing that is.I have people tell me all the time that I do to much or it is not necessary. I am writing this to tell you that it is what makes me happy. I would do just about anything for anyone.....I know and don't know. You might be wondering when I have time for myself or what I do if I ever needed someone to talk to. So here is my best answer. I have friends that are there for me. Fantastic people, people young and old......well older, that are there for me and make a difference in my life everyday. I don't think they realize how vital they are in my day to day life. They mean the world to me. As for time for myself......I find moments and there a lot of those moments that I spend with God. I find healing in helping others. I try not to live my life for myself but for others. I rest easy knowing that God is pleased with me and loves me unconditionally. I am secure in who I am cuz this is the way God made me. If he wanted me different he would have made me that way. Now people have called me a people pleaser but I don't think that is true. I define a people pleaser as someone who does things for the recognition or that do it for some sort of self assurance or self worth. I hate being pointed out for something I have done. I hate being praised. Instead of thanking me, thank God for giving me the opportunity or the ability to do whatever I did. I do it out of a love for God and a love for every child of God. We are all part of a bigger picture, we are all the same "family" so why treat anyone with less love and respect than you have for your blood family? I know there are some families that do not get along, mine is one of them, but it doesn't make me love them. Deep down inside we all love those we dislike. I look at it this way, God loves us unconditionally, right? Why can't we try and be there for each other? I am so grateful for what God has done and given me that the only way I can think of showing my appreciation is by trying to give everyone the love that He has given me. This may sound like a load of garbage to you and you may think I am a lot of things that are not good. I just want you to knot that I respect you opinion, I am not going to change who I am for anyone and it doesn't make me love you any less .